Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.