Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
You Might Also Like
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.