“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
How dude HOW?!
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way