*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.