If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off