If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.