10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
secret recipe
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.