When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
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Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal