Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
You Might Also Like
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
They got Raph!
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
#ParentingFacts
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.