Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
You Might Also Like
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
What flavor cupcake are these
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat