I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick