Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
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being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.