Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
You Might Also Like
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
❤️❤️❤️
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.