America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”