They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs