If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I enjoy a good short stor
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute