You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.