Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
dam girl
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*