Get in loser we’re going crying
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Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I don’t hate children, just yours.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.