*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If snakes were wide
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.