Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
New menu item
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!