From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
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dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.