My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.