4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused