God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Received some very disappointing news today
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff