WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!