Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
You Might Also Like
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
can’t wait til they legalize outside
How high do the levels go?
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either