If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Traveler’s camo
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping