It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.