4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You Might Also Like
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro