I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Fiction has to make sense.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
They’re the worst 😩