My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My plans: 2020:
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!