Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M: