i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Had to try this trend 😊
They did not miss in the small print
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”