Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos