“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Come back with a warrant
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.