Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
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Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.