Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
You Might Also Like
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
😂😂😂
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.