I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Driving in Europe vs Canada