May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”