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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Spider-cat: No One Home
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”