Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.