Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
being a writer on Twitter:
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes