they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR