Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
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I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
[the middle of showering] I need a break
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no