Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.