Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’m good, thanks.
That took me a moment.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
smartest karate player in the world
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
english majors be like furthermore
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.