[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…