No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
2023 was just a warmup
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.