DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
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You sure about that?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.